The Key to Communicating Effectively as a Couple

By: Gamliel Beyda, LSW

Have you ever encountered a situation where an attempt to persuade someone to change their behavior unexpectedly escalated into a heated exchange? You may be left perplexed, wondering what triggered such an adverse reaction to your well-reasoned argument. 

Despite the best intentions, individuals often become defensive and resistant to change, even when presented with compelling evidence. 

Drs. John and Julie Gottman, renowned psychologists with decades of experience studying relationships, provide valuable insights into effective communication. In this article, we will explore their observations and advice on what constitutes a successful relationship.

As indicated in the research, a substantial 69 percent of disagreements within a marriage tend to be of a perpetual nature, implying their recurrence in diverse forms. Acquiring the ability to engage in effective communication alleviates the strain experienced in relationships and contributes to the prevention of conflicts.

Here are 4 types of conflict and a possible antidote to help communicate effectively:

Criticism

What it is: Attacking your partner’s character or personality instead of addressing a specific issue. 

Example: “You never help around the house. You’re so lazy!”

Antidote: Use a gentle startup. Focus on the problem, not the person.

“I feel overwhelmed by the chores. Can we figure out a way to split them better?”

Contempt

What it is: Acting superior by mocking, rolling your eyes, or insulting. It’s the most harmful of the four. 

Example: “Oh, you forgot again? Figures. You’re so useless.”

Antidote: Build a culture of appreciation and respect. Express gratitude and acknowledge each other’s efforts.

“I know you’re trying your best, and I really appreciate it when you help with X.”

Defensiveness

What it is: Playing the victim or refusing to take responsibility. 

Example: “It’s not my fault. You’re the one who always does that!”

Antidote: Take responsibility, even for a small part of the issue.

“You’re right—I should have communicated earlier. Let’s work on this together.”

Stonewalling

What it is: Shutting down or withdrawing during a conversation, often to avoid conflict. 

Example: [Silent treatment or walking away mid-discussion.]

Antidote: Practice self-soothing to stay engaged. If overwhelmed, take a break and return to the conversation calmly.

“I need a moment to clear my head. Let’s talk in 15 minutes.”

These antidotes help couples communicate more constructively and protect their bond. The key is to notice when any unhelpful response shows up…and to respond with the right antidote!